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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30042936">i won't be shamed by you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasingfictions/pseuds/chasingfictions'>chasingfictions</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>my blood tastes like laughter [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Comics 1998), Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), The Bachelor RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>And Spike is reality TV trash, Comedy, Cuddling &amp; Snuggling, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Just Add Kittens, Nail Polish, Popcorn, Reality TV, Roommates, Spuffy cuddling to be specific, buffy season 10, the Scooby Gang watches the Bachelor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 01:47:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,868</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30042936</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasingfictions/pseuds/chasingfictions</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Spike ropes the entire Scooby Gang into Bachelor Mondays</p><p>Set during Buffy S10, some time roughly after “Relationship Status: Complicated.” Featuring heavy Domestic!Spuffy, fluffy Scooby banter, and Roomates!Spander.</p><p>-<br/><i>“Why do you even watch this show if you hate it so much?” Willow asks<br/>“Red, if you can’t understand the vast complexities of my relationship with The Bachelor at this point, I wouldn’t even know where to begin,” Spike tells her.<br/>Buffy grins at him and rolls her eyes.<br/>“What? What did I say?”</i><br/>-<br/></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Buffy Summers &amp; Dawn Summers, Rupert Giles &amp; Spike, Spike/Buffy Summers, Willow Rosenberg &amp; Buffy Summers, Willow Rosenberg &amp; Spike, Xander Harris &amp; Buffy Summers, Xander Harris &amp; Spike, Xander Harris/Dawn Summers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>my blood tastes like laughter [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2242293</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>47</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i won't be shamed by you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Heavy gratitude to the <a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/game-of-roses/id1469113217">Game of Roses</a> podcast and to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCppLp1K0KQ1se9SjropUq5w">Bachelor Fantake</a> on Youtube for supplying the vital Bachelor intel behind most of Spike's dialogue.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spike grabs the remote from Xander, who balks in his armchair.</p><p>“Excuse me? Watching that.”</p><p>Spike glances at the program. “Right well, scintillating as rewatching <em>Battlestar</em> for the 80th time must be for you, I got important stories on tonight, so you’ll have to deal.”</p><p>He punches in the number for ABC and plops down on the couch. One of the kittens—either Mortimer or the other orange one they keep meaning to name but nothing sticks—pads across his lap as he sits.</p><p>Chris Harrison’s voice slithers out from the TV: <em>It’s the most shocking season of the Bachelor yet. You think you’re ready, America?</em></p><p>Xander feels like his eyes are gonna pop out from his head. “Really?”</p><p>Spike’s eyes are glassy on the screen, his elbows pressing into his knees.</p><p>“And I repeat for emphasis: <em>really??”</em></p><p>Spike swats at the air in the general direction of Xander and furrows his brow. “Shh. ‘S starting.”</p><p>*</p><p>Spike cracks open one of his pretentious English beers as the show scrolls through the intro segments, and the audience meets a very pretty and very blonde pediatric nurse.</p><p>“See, now,” Spike says, not so much to Xander as much as a general proclamation “she’s going far in the season, I’d put money on that.”</p><p>Xander drops his comic book in his lap. “I’m gonna regret asking this, but how the hell can you tell? Aren’t there like, 30 women there?”</p><p>“Thought you weren’t watching.”</p><p>“I’m not!”</p><p>“‘Course you aren’t.”</p><p>“So .... why do you think she’ll go far?”</p><p>“What, you think they put on that twangy-guitar-music-walking-down-a-country-lane bit for just <em>anybody?</em> I mean sure, they throw in the occasional red herring, keeps Bachelor Nation on our toes, like. But really, you know, ‘s simple odds, you get down to it.”</p><p>Xander raises an eyebrow and scratches the gray cat, Lucy, behind the ears. “... Bachelor Nation?”</p><p>“I won’t be shamed by you.”</p><p>*</p><p>“Okay, she’s <em>pregnant?</em>” Xander gapes, his head stuttering into the seatback. “I mean, not that pregnant women can’t do whatever they want, I’m sure, and good for her, really, but she’s <em>pregnant?</em> As I understand it, this show has a lot of bungee jumping, and that can’t make for a good gestation.”</p><p>“No. A classic night one gimmick, I’d reckon. Mark my words, three minutes on and she’s got that fake belly off and is guzzling champagne with the rest of ‘em.”</p><p>As if she hears Spike talking, the blonde lady in the TV—a different one from before—tells Juan Pablo: <em>“It’s not real. So not real!</em>” Spike slaps Xander’s knee as if to say <em>See?</em></p><p>Spike apparently is too focused on catching the next limo exit to check his vamp strength, and Xander winces. “Sometimes I miss when you were neurologically unable to hit me.”</p><p>The show flashes to commercial, and Spike is bobbing his head along earnestly to the carpet cleaners’ jingle, and Xander is making a mental note to save all of this intel later for vicious mocking.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Spike flips the TV on for week two of <em>The Bachelor.</em> Xander comes running when he hears the intro music.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>It’s the first non-foggy day in a week, and Buffy and Xander are taking a run in the park.</p><p>Or, more accurately, Buffy is going for a run and circling back every now and then to check on Xander and his ruined pride and the mortality-reminding burn in his lungs.</p><p>“You doing alright there, Xand?” Buffy asks, swinging up behind him on the foot path. She’s not sweating at all, and Xander hates her.</p><p>“Shouldn’t I be in better shape? I mean, I run from monsters all the time. Avid monster-runner-frommer over here. You’d think that would count for something.”</p><p>“Our universe is cruel and indifferent and you should sue,” Buffy agrees. “Anyway, I’m pretty much done. Wanna go get smoothies? Both because I’m hungry, and because my workout outfit is cute and more people really should see it before I have to change.”</p><p>“One fruity beverage outfit promenade coming right up, ma’am” Xander salutes, and they march out of the park.</p><p>*</p><p>Buffy sips her smoothie—well, a mocha milkshake with some banana thrown in for good measure, if she’s being honest—and leans back in the plastic seat. “So, what did you crazy kids get up to last night?”</p><p>Xander looks pointedly into his cup of liquefied berries and kale.</p><p>“Oh god, what <em>did</em> you guys get up to last night?”</p><p>“It’s not my fault, okay. Your boyfriend is a very bad influence.”</p><p>Buffy raises her eyebrows.</p><p>“I watched <em>The Bachelor</em> with Spike. Again.” He looks up, opens his palms and scrunches his fingers inwards in a <em>give it here</em> motion. “Bring on the mocking, I’m ready.”</p><p>Buffy breathes out and grins. “Aw, I’m glad he finally has someone to watch with him. He gets all grumpy when he has to watch his bad reality TV alone.”</p><p>“Why don’t you watch with him, then?”</p><p>“What, are you kidding? Even I can’t stomach that vapid crap.”</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, now, that was just a missed bloody opportunity,” Spike gripes from the couch. He’s horizontal, and the orange kitten whose name is Joan Jett this week is kneading at his stomach with tiny paws.</p><p>Xander scrunches his forehead from his perch in the recliner. “How? I thought they had a perfectly nice date. You know, she asked him a lot of questions. She did that cute hand squeeze thing. Good date.”</p><p>“Because <em>you’re</em> such an expert on good dates.”</p><p>“Hey I—well, no, but you don’t have to say it.”</p><p>“I mean, she did fine if this was a normal date. Perfect, sure, she played it right nice. But <em>this</em>, Harris” — Spike gestures at the TV with his mug of blood sloshing— “is high-stakes dating. I mean, this is their only one-on-one time the whole season, prob’ly, unless she makes it to the final rounds.”</p><p>“She could make it! He seems to like her.”</p><p>Spike makes a <em>pshaw</em> sound through his teeth. “Not saying he doesn’t <em>like</em> the lady. Saying it’s not bloody likely she makes it far, given this shoddy strategy. ’S an unspoken rule, like. You get the one-on-one date, you gotta share your deepest darkest. Y’know—’my parents split up’, ‘my best friend got hit by a falling air conditioner one time’, that sorta thing.”</p><p>Xander frowns. “That’s so specific though. You can’t expect her to know that.”</p><p>“Ugh, any sod who’s watched the show ‘fore going on could figure it out. And that’s another thing! These birds, they go on the show not prepared at <em>all</em>. Like last season of <em>Bachelorette</em>, right? This sod gets all bent outta shape because Desiree—she was the last lead—is dating other guys. <em>Hello</em>, that’s the premise of the bloody show, moron. And what really gets me—.”</p><p>He’s cut off by the door swinging open behind them—Buffy roaming in, carrying a plastic grocery bag in one hand and an ice cream scooper in the other.</p><p>“Whatcha talking about?” she asks as she moseys to the couch.</p><p>“Oh, just, er— explaining the finer points of strategy to Harris, here.”</p><p>“Combat strategy?”</p><p>“Yeah, ‘course. What else?”</p><p>Buffy looks at the TV. “Oh, it’s <em>Bachelor</em> tonight, isn’t it?” She glances down at Spike, smirking. “Oh my god, you were not doing that <em>same</em> rant about that guy, were you?"</p><p>"'Course not!" says Spike, unconvincingly."</p><p>"No, you totally were! You have worked-up face—dead giveaway, honey.”</p><p>Spike huffs. “It’s just that it’s a highly complex show, see. People don’t realize that— those idiots up there are athletes, really! They’re doing very complex maneuvers, some of them, and then to go up there and just <em>waste</em> that potential—”</p><p>Buffy leans down to cut him off with a quick, grinning kiss, then plops down on the floor in front of the couch.</p><p>Xander cranes his head towards her: “See now, it’s one thing that you were sleeping with him when he was evil. But dating him when you know <em>this</em> is the twisted thing he spends his time thinking about? You two just sicken me.”</p><p>Buffy asks: “So still no luck in the dating game then?”</p><p>“Allow me to answer your question with a question.” Xander gestures at the shopping bag. “Ya got any Rocky Road in there?”</p><p>“Go nuts,” Buffy says, tossing the pint to him. “Oh! Hey! Pun.” Buffy smiles contendly to herself. “... ‘Cause there’s nuts in Rocky Road,” she explains to Xander and his raised eyebrows.</p><p>“I thought it was very good wordplay, love,” Spike tells her. “Seven outta ten.”</p><p>“Sickening,” Xander repeats. Spike starts to retort, but then the show comes back, and both boys’ eyes perk up to the screen.</p><p>Buffy rolls her eyes. “I’ll just watch a few minutes, okay? I have to sharpen my weapons tonight."</p><p>*</p><p>Thirty minutes later, Buffy and Spike have switched spots. Her on the couch next to a big pile of stakes, whittle in hand. Him on the floor, leaning his head against her knees. Occasionally repositioning the plastic shopping bag to better catch the shavings.</p><p>The dead-eyed host saunters into the room and dings five times on his champagne glass. <em>“Ladies, it’s time to move to the rose ceremony.” </em></p><p>“Do you think he gets to drink the champagne while he’s hosting? Because if so I’d like to trade gigs,” Buffy says, surreptitiously picking a fallen woodshaving from Spike’s hair before he notices.</p><p>“Eh, I’m sure it’s just for show. He’s gotta stay sharp for the, you know … well okay, I’m not sure what in his job actually requires concentration, but I’m sure he needs it for something,” Xander offers.</p><p>“Actually, prob’ly not a factor for him, considering—” Spike starts, but is cut off by Buffy.</p><p>“Dresses! Pretty dresses!”</p><p>The screen is being filled with three rows of women in long hair extensions and long evening gowns.</p><p>She scrunches a hand through Spike’s hair: “Okay, see, next time you want me to watch a show with you? Lead with the pretty dresses.”</p><p>Spike tilts the blues of his eyes up at her. “Duly noted, love.”</p><p>“Ooh, okay. Blue one, I like the blue one. I think she’s gonna win,” Buffy announces.</p><p>“How d’you reckon, pet?”</p><p>“Well, it’s all flowy. And the sheer bit on the top, with the little crystals? Very stylish. She’s a woman with taste. And I figure, you know, strong taste in clothes, that indicates all kinds of things. Adapting well to social situations, self knowledge, storytelling.”</p><p>“That’s a lot to tell from one dress, Buff,” Xander notes.</p><p>“It’s a very good dress,” Buffy asserts. “She’s a shoo-in.”</p><p>“That it is. Sorry to say, the bird’s not getting far. Didn’t even get a date this week, I don’t think.”</p><p>“They’re gonna kick her off without even giving her a date?”  </p><p>“‘Fraid so.”</p><p>“Monsters.”</p><p>*</p><p>“Come on now!” Spike shouts at the screen. “You basically just spoiled everything that’s gonna happen next week in the preview. Big Telly’s got no respect at all for the viewer these days.”</p><p>“You tell ‘em, honey,” Buffy says, gathering up her pile of newly-sharpened stakes into her arms. “Anyway, I should go patrol.”</p><p>“Care for a hand, Slayer?” Spike asks. “Got some aggression I need to sort out.”</p><p>She rolls her eyes and hands him a stake.</p><p>“Buffster, you watching with us again next week?” Xander asks, rising from the chair and stretching his arms out. “I can confirm there will be more dresses.”</p><p>Buffy smirks. “I’m thinking no. Not exactly my thing. Plus, none of them are gonna live up to the standard set by Blue Dress Girl, so it’s all a little moot.”</p><p> </p><p>***  </p><p> </p><p>Buffy bustles into the apartment the following Monday night and squeezes onto the couch between the two men.</p><p>“To be clear,” she specifies, index finger in the air, “I’m not here to watch the show. I just, Dawn’s at study group and Willow’s being all canoodly with her new girlfriend and Giles is doing something incredibly boring and all my other friends live here. And here is where the show happens to be on.”</p><p>“Buff,” Xander says, reaching for the bowl of popcorn. “Have you considered that maybe you do like this show? And your rejection of quote unquote ‘frivolous’ things you enjoy is really about you listening to shame more than your own wants?”</p><p>Buffy frowns.”We should have never let you go to therapy. Besides, I love frivolous things. You’ve seen my DVD collection. It’s a frivol-fest.”</p><p>“So why are you pretending you don’t like this show?”</p><p>Buffy glares. “You’re just trying to drag me down to your level, Xander.” <em>And it’s working,</em> she leaves off.</p><p>The last bars of <em>Wheel of Fortune </em>fade away, and the TV screen spills into an establishing shot of the Bachelor Mansion.</p><p>“Pass the popcorn?” Buffy says, and nestles into Spike’s shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>A week later, across the hall, Buffy and Dawn are sprawled across their living room. Dawn is upside down on the velvety armchair, her feet in the air and her head dangling to the ground. She’s blowing one piece of hair back and forth with sharp concentration.</p><p>“Wanna do something tonight?” Dawn asks. “Turns out blood rushing to my head isn’t as fun after the twenty-first minute.”</p><p>“You don’t have study group?” Buffy asks. She’s splayed out on the rug, pressing an ice pack to her punching arm.</p><p>“Nah—we’re taking a post-midterms rest. If I look at another diagram of the brain right now I think my actual brain is gonna have an identity crisis and go insane.”</p><p>“I was actually just gonna hang out with Spike, then patrol.”</p><p>“Date night?”</p><p>“Um. In a sense?”</p><p>“Oh.” Dawn mumbles. “Wait. Gross.”</p><p>“What? Oh, not that. I mean, yes probably that, after patrol, cause you know we usually— after a fight and … that’s none of your business, actually and I am changing the subject now,” Buffy says.</p><p>“Please do.”</p><p>“Um, we’re just gonna watch TV actually. I should probably head over about now, come to think of—”</p><p>Dawn hoists her body upright, then spins around in the chair to face Buffy.</p><p>“Oh my god, they got you.”</p><p>“Nobody got me. I’m ungettable.”</p><p>“You’re watching <em>The Bachelor</em> with them. They’ve claimed you into their Monday night cult.”</p><p>“No cult—I’m a cult-free Buffy. This is my choice. I’m um, embracing the frivolous.” She insists, popping the ice pack back in the freezer. “And that’s an interesting level of detail to have about Xander’s weekly schedule for someone who’s not dating him anymore. Unless you guys are…?”</p><p>“So not. Xander just mentioned it, last time I ran into him in the hall.” Dawn says. “I think he kinda, you know, forgot how to have a conversation with me. And reality TV is a lot easier of a subject than the whole: ‘Hey, magic got reset on earth and my emotions got reverted back to age 14 factory settings and also, hey, I still remember what you look like naked, and isn’t that weird?”</p><p>“Ew.” Buffy says instinctively. “But, okay, the conversation was good? It sounds good.”</p><p>“Yeah. I mean. I miss him. I miss talking in the way that was … easy. It’s nice to have something to put all that weight on, instead of talking about, you know, us.”</p><p>Buffy and Dawn lock eyes, raising eyebrows in sync.</p><p>*</p><p>“So, what’s the deal with this Sharleen chick?” Dawn asks. “Her interview seems kinda tense.”</p><p>“Loaded question, Platelet. Where do we even start—Harris, you wanna take a stab?”</p><p>“Well, okay,” Xander starts, looking pointedly at the TV screen and not at Dawn. “So, night one, he gives her the First Impression Rose, right? Which is a big deal.”</p><p>“The first impression girl usually wins?”  </p><p>“Not hardly,” Spike scoffs. “On <em>Bachelorette</em> maybe. The girls tend to have better sense than the blokes. But it’s gonna guarantee you some screen time, the very least. Might run into a stint on one of the spinoffs. ’S high real estate.”</p><p>“So he asks her if she’ll accept the rose,” Xander continues. “And she says—”</p><p>“— After two minutes of dead silence, mind you!” Spike interjects</p><p>“— She says: ‘<em>Sure</em>.’” Xander finishes.</p><p>“No!” Dawn gapes.  </p><p>“<em>Yes</em>,” Spike assures. “The message boards were really buzzing about it.”</p><p>“Message boards?” Xander asks.</p><p>“I can’t go outside half the day. Gotta make my own fun,” Spike huffs, flicking out the collar on his jacket.</p><p>“So, is she into him at all?” Dawn asks.</p><p>“I mean, she doesn’t seem to <em>hate</em> him or anything,” Buffy weighs in.</p><p>“Doesn’t seem to like him all that much either. But he seems properly enamored or what have you. I reckon she’s trying to see if she can muster up feelings for the sod. ‘S all a bit tragic.”</p><p>“Gee, is anyone else parched? I sure am parched. Fruit punch? I’ll grab the fruit punch,” Xander sputters, scampering to the kitchen.</p><p>Buffy and Dawn look at Spike pointedly.</p><p>“What?” he asks. “What did I? — Oh. Right. Sorry, Niblet. Got caught up. I’m on best behavior, here on out, promise.”</p><p>“It’s okay,” Dawn says, staring at her hands. “I don’t want everyone to be all eggshell-walk-y … although, I thought the events of the week were supposed to stop weirdly mirroring our personal lives after we left the Hellmouth.”</p><p>“I think we lived there too long. We’re all Hellmouthed-up,” Buffy suggests.</p><p>“I didn’t! I mean, I was only there for three years, in the physically-existing-on-this-Earth sense.” Dawn points out. “I should register a complaint.”</p><p>“Could have somethin’ to do with the show too, actually,” Spike says. “Most people don’t know this, but the mansion actually has some—”</p><p>He’s cut off by Xander bustling back into the living room, his arms bursting with snacks and drinks. “I panicked and grabbed everything we had. Twinkies, anyone? Or I could whip up a quick filet mignon?”</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>“Is anybody else starting to hate this guy?” Buffy says a week later. The four of them are clustered around the TV. Spike is applying a second coat of nail polish to Buffy’s fingers. Xander and Dawn are seated on either side of them, very pointedly not looking at each other.</p><p>“I can’t believe that he’s visiting the set of <em>The</em> <em>Lord of the Rings</em> and still managing to make me hate him. It’s impressive, really.” Xander says.</p><p>“Right? And what’s that whole ‘okay’ thing? That girl just poured out her heart to him and all she gets is ‘<em>it’s okay</em>’?” Dawn chimes in.</p><p>“Personally, I’m feelin’ betrayed. I <em>lobbied</em> for this ponce to be the next lead. ‘Course, I couldn’t’ve known. He was right pleasant last season,” Spike grouses.</p><p>“I can’t believe we used to be terrified of you.” Dawn says</p><p>“I’m still incredibly threatening, Little Bit,” Spike says to her. Turning back to Buffy he says: “Now, should I just go over with clear an’ be done, or should I add a little accent design?”</p><p>“Last time you tried to do a design it just looked like a smudge,” Buffy tells him. Spike balks, so she papers over with: “<em>Plus</em>, I mean, obviously, it's just <em>so</em> nice clean and simple like this"</p><p>He glares. “I’m never gonna get good at nail art if you don’t let me practice.”</p><p>“Practice on yourself!”</p><p>“I can’t pull it off like you. I switch from the classic black nail, it’s gonna throw my whole look off.”</p><p>Buffy rolls her eyes, and Spike crinkles his eyes back at her in that way where he adores her, and they’re so disgustingly happy that it makes Xander’s spine itch. He peeks over at Dawn, on the other side of the couple. She’s knitting a scarf and half-watching the show, carefully counting all the stitches, and he loves her, and it’s incredibly inconvenient.</p><p>He’s never been more grateful for an interruption to his thoughts when the door swings open behind them” “Whatcha all doing in here?” Willow asks.</p><p>“Melting our brains with the lowest common denominator of television. Come join us, won’t you?” Xander calls out, patting the folding chair next to him.</p><p>“Oooh, <em>Bachelor</em>! Goody.”</p><p>The four other heads in the room twist around to stare at her.</p><p>“What? I can be shallow.”</p><p>*</p><p>Juan Pablo and Clare are debriefing after their midnight skinny dip, and the Scoobies are fuming.</p><p>“<em>See, because I have a daughter, and I don’t want her to see what happened there.</em>” Juan Pablo tells her.</p><p>“Ugh, that is such classic Madonna-Whore!” Willow protests. “You’re the one who chose to go into the ocean and get all snuggly with her, but now, what, she’s not wife material?”  </p><p>“Excellent point, Red,” Spike agrees. “Glad to have your keen critical eye on our side.”</p><p>“Are you making fun of me?” she asks him. To Buffy, she repeats: “Is he making fun of me?”</p><p>"No, he actually takes this incredibly seriously,” Buffy assures her. “Maybe too seriously.”</p><p>“He’s on the message boards,” Xander adds.</p><p>“You all mock! Give it three more seasons, you’ll be as deep in this pit as I am.”</p><p>That shuts them up.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>It’s a week later, and the orange kitten’s name is currently Prince Ulrich, Mighty Purveyor of Death, and is nuzzling up against Willow’s leg, and Dawn is tossing popcorn towards Xander’s mouth from across the room, and Buffy is snatching kernels mid-air to eat them, and Spike is screaming at the television.</p><p>“Oh, come on! That’s awful form. A disgrace, is what it is”</p><p>“Looked appropriately horny to me,” Buffy says.</p><p>“No, see, if you’re gonna do the hug-jump, you gotta put your all into it. You know, running start, arms and legs locked ‘round the bloke’s back. She just, what, meanders into it? No leverage.” He pops a cigarette angrily in his mouth. “Pitiful.”</p><p>“Why do you even watch this show if you hate it so much?” Willow asks</p><p>“Red, if you can’t understand the vast complexities of my relationship with <em>The Bachelor</em> at this point, I wouldn’t even know where to begin,” Spike tells her.</p><p>Buffy grins at him and rolls her eyes.</p><p>“What? What did I say?”</p><p>*</p><p>Buffy is helping Willow make a new round of mojitos in the kitchen while Xander, Dawn, and Spike hurl verbal abuse at Juan Pablo.</p><p>“So, you’ve been around a lot lately,” Buffy says, dropping ice cubes into Xander’s novelty Spiderman cups.</p><p>“... Am I not supposed to be?”</p><p>“No, no, that’s not what I—I just meant, you know, you’ve been all busy with Hot Scary Army Girlfriend lately. Not that that’s a bad thing! I mean, not that it’s a good thing, because I’ve missed you, but—argh. I’m being foot-mouth-girl. I just … it’s nice. You, being here. Scooby trash TV night. It’s all good.”</p><p>Willow brightens. “It is. Nice, I mean. And good. All those things.”</p><p>“You could bring Lake, even! Um, next week. It’s Hometowns, or so Spike has told me twenty times. A big deal, apparently.”</p><p>“Eh, I don’t think this is her thing really.”</p><p>“Okay, you have a tone.”</p><p>“What? No tone. I’m tone-free over here.”</p><p>“Disagree! There was definite tone-age. Is … things with Lake? They’re okay?”</p><p>Willow smashes a vigorous squeeze of lime into each of the glasses. “Say, do you think Andi is gonna make the final two? I think she and Juan Pablo have a real connection.”</p><p>Buffy nods. “Hint taken. But if you ever wanna talk about it—?”  </p><p>“Thanks. Maybe some time, just, not now. I mean it’s fine, or, it’s not, but—it’s bad TV night, right? Brain-turned-off, weird-passive-aggressiveness-from-my-girlfriend-is-nonexistent night.”</p><p>Buffy nods. “Now that I’m thinking about it, Andi's nice and all, but I don’t think she’s got the spark with him. I’m thinking it’s gotta be Clare. They’ve got that whole chemistry game, very strong. I’ll bet you big money they end up together.”</p><p>Willow grins. “I don’t know, I think Renee could really take this whole thing by storm.”</p><p> </p><p>***  </p><p> </p><p>A week later, Juan Pablo is finishing his tense heart-to-heart with Andi’s dad when Giles opens the apartment door.</p><p>“There you all are! Buffy, I think I’ve narrowed down what that demon from the other night was—erm, why are none of you looking at me while I speak?”  </p><p>“Nothing personal, Rupert. But we’re in a tense moment over here—Andi’s dad is being all reticent with the marriage blessing. It’s very tooth and nail,” Spike says.</p><p>“... I don’t know what a word of that means,” Giles says, and plops an ancient book down on the kitchen table. The little white cat who’d been laying there jumps over to the couch at the sound. “Buffy, if you would?”  </p><p>Buffy reluctantly extracts herself from the couch and moves to examine Giles’ tome.</p><p>*</p><p>“... So you see, the Anglinon’s claws have a slight paralyzing effect, but I think, given the planetary alignment we discussed earlier, that the symptoms ended up being transmuted into something closer to er, a sort of tingling sensation like you experienced and—<em>oh for Heaven’s sake would you turn that piffle off?” </em></p><p>“No can do, Rupert,” says Spike.</p><p>“It’s Hometowns,” Xander adds, intensely.</p><p>“Yeah, Giles. Hometowns,” Willow agrees. “Oh my god, wait is Renee getting sent home?”</p><p>Buffy snaps to attention. “No way. <em>Renee</em>?” She swings her legs over the back of the couch to plop back into her empty seat. “At least she can spend more time with her daughter now, I guess.”</p><p>“I can never root for the ones who go on with a kid. You’ve got a little bit at home, and you’re leaving ‘em to shack up with the most boring man alive for eight weeks?” Spike grumbles. “People’ve got no sense of priorities.”</p><p>“I don’t know if he’s the <em>most</em> boring man alive,” Xander says.</p><p>“Actually, I think legally the current Bachelor is always the most boring man alive, until he passes his mantle to next season’s lead. Kind of like Miss America! Y’know, for being the most boring, not being the most like, wife-able or whatever that pageant is about” Willow chirps.</p><p>Giles moves to block the television. “Am I speaking into thin air? There are dire supernatural threats at hand, and you’re all more concerned with this … polygamy game show?”</p><p>“Hey!” Buffy says. “We can do both. Oh! Xander, give him the frivolousness speech.”</p><p>“I don’t think that speech works on Gileses,” Xander says.</p><p>“My point is,” Buffy continues, “ we’re skilled multitaskers. We’ve got plenty of brainspace for demon mayhem <em>and</em> for this disgrace of a show.”</p><p>“And the two are more related than you’d think, Watcher boy!” Spike adds. “Point of fact, the host of the show is actually—”</p><p>“Fine. We can talk after your … program.” Giles says, and huffs out of the apartment.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>It’s Fantasy Suites week, and the Scoobies are gathered around the TV. Buffy’s laying across the couch with her head in Spike’s lap; Willow’s got both legs tucked under her on the armchair, enchanting little floating lights to confuse and disorient the cats; Xander and Dawn are playing a halfhearted game of Uno at the table behind them.</p><p>“Oh, that’s so <em>not</em> the face you wanna see,” Buffy says to the TV, where Andi is leaving her Fantasy Suite, looking like someone just shot her dog.</p><p>“I knew it! I knew that git would be awful in bed,” Spike exclaims.</p><p>“There’s no way you could have already known that,” Xander says. “Or wait, is that something we’re supposed to be able to tell about people when we meet them? Did I miss a training course?”</p><p>“The sod’s got no empathy! He doesn’t listen to these poor women when they’re just having <em>dinner</em> together, you think he’s suddenly gonna be paying attention to figure what makes them come?”</p><p>“Don’t say <em>come</em> in front of Dawn,” Buffy admonishes.</p><p>“I’m in college. Does anyone ever remember that I’m in college?” Dawn gripes.</p><p>Buffy sticks her tongue out at her.</p><p>*</p><p>Andi is breaking up with Juan Pablo, and the Scoobies are laser focused as they watch the shitstorm unfold.</p><p>“<em>Everything is always ‘it’s okay, it’s okay,’ and I will </em>die<em> if I have to hear ‘it’s okay’ again</em>,” Andi tells him.</p><p>“<em>That’s okay. That’s fine,”</em> Juan Pablo responds.</p><p>“He did <em>not</em>,” Dawn shouts. “You piece of shit!”</p><p><em> “Do you know anything about me? Do you have any idea, like, what religion I practice? How I wanna raise my kids?”</em> Andi continues.</p><p>
  <em> “I have no idea about any of that.” </em>
</p><p>"Ooh wait, is she Jewish? I feel like she wouldn’t have brought that up if she wasn’t Jewish,” Willow muses.</p><p>“<em>And it made me feel like, like you don’t take this seriously, you don’t take me seriously, I don’t know—</em>” </p><p><em> “What’s my religion?”</em> Juan Pablo interrupts.</p><p>“<em>Catholic</em>,” Andi says, without missing a beat.</p><p>“Good on you, Andi!” Spike cheers. “Eviscerate ‘im!”</p><p>The door swings open behind them to Giles entering the apartment, toting an ancient-looking ax: “Eviscerating? Buffy, was there a demon that—” and then he notices the TV. “Ah. Of course.”</p><p>“What’s the what, Giles?” Buffy asks, moving to sit upright. “Evil afoot?”  </p><p>“Oh, evil’s afoot,” Xander says. “And it’s sitting on the TV screen in that stupid yellow shirt.”</p><p>Giles clears his throat. “The Anglinon demon, that you fought last week? I have reason to believe the weapon you stole from him actually portends a, a sort of cultic sacrifice. If my reading proves correct.”</p><p>“So I kill the Anglerfish guys. No big.”</p><p>“Quite right. My calculations seem to show that the sacrifice should be happening next Monday at sunset, down by the waterfront, so we—”</p><p>“Next Monday?” Buffy pouts. “Giles, you’re sure it’s not Sunday, or Tuesday, or any one of the other very lovely day options?”</p><p>Giles glares at her.</p><p>“It’s the season finale!”</p><p>“‘S alright, love. I’ll TiVo it,” Spike tells her. “You can join us if you like, Rupert! Little watch party after we do the hero bit?”</p><p>“I’d sooner end up the demon sacrifice.”</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>The Scoobies are bruised and a bit bloody and tromping up the stairs of their apartment building.</p><p>“Is it hard to get oozey purple demon blood out of cashmere?” Dawn asks. “It can’t be that hard, right?”</p><p>Xander side-eyes her sympathetically. “Um.”</p><p>“I’ll magic it out for ya, Dawnie,” Willow offers.</p><p>“Oh my god, thank you so much. They don’t even make this brand anymore, I was freaking out.  </p><p>“Meet at our place in twenty?” Spike asks as they disperse to their various apartments. “I’ll put the kettle on.”</p><p>The gang nods, save Giles.</p><p>“Oh come on, Rupes. Live a little! Try some stupidity on for size, I think you might fancy it,” Spike urges.</p><p>“Yeah Giles, watch with us! It’ll be fun! When was the last time you had fun?” Willow agrees.</p><p>“<em>Gi-les, Gi-les, Gi-les,</em>” Xander starts chanting in a sports arena cadence, gesturing for the others to join.</p><p>“<em>Gi-les, Gi-les, Gi-les</em>,” the Scoobies cheer.</p><p>“Oh alright, fine! If it will get you all to stop bothering me, I will watch your inane program. But don’t expect me to enjoy one minute of all that tommyrot.”</p><p>*</p><p>Juan Pablo is giving an interview to the producers about Clare, and the Scoobies are booing him. Spike throws a handful of popcorn at the screen.</p><p>“Why do you all hate him so much?” Giles asks.</p><p>“Well now, if you’d watched the bloody season you’d know that wouldn’t you, Rupe?” Spike answers.</p><p>“It was a simple question.”</p><p>“No, no answers until you admit you like this ‘tommyrot’ same as the rest of us.”</p><p>Giles looks around to the other Scoobies for support.</p><p>“Nope, we’re with the vampire on this one, Giles.” Xander tells him.</p><p>“You’re getting nothing out of us,” says Willow.</p><p>“Well, fine. I don’t care,” Giles grumbles, crossing his arms.</p><p>*</p><p>“Good lord!” Giles yelps. “These producers really make these women walk up to what they think is a proposal? Knowing they’ll be rejected? Does this happen every season?”  </p><p>The Scoobies sit in resolute silence.</p><p>“You’re really not going to tell me?”</p><p>“Thought you didn’t care,” Spike snits.</p><p>“Quite right I don’t. Not a lick.”</p><p>On the screen, Juan Pablo pouts at Clare: “<em>I have to say goodbye to you.</em>” And then leans in towards her.</p><p>Buffy screeches: “Oh my god. Is he trying to <em>kiss</em> her after that?”</p><p>“FUCK THIS GUY,” Dawn howls.</p><p>Spike gnashes his teeth. “Took the words right out of my mouth, Bit.”</p><p>Clare steps back from the bachelor, glowers, and unleashes a glorious verbal asskicking. <em>“I thought I knew what kind of man you were. What you just made me go through? I would never want my children having a father like you.</em>”</p><p>“Ooh, way to turn the whole daughter thing back on him after the beach thing,” Willow says.</p><p>“That was beautiful,” Xander says. “I’m really moved.”</p><p>“Bloody hell,” Giles grumbles.</p><p>*</p><p>Juan Pablo is about to propose to Nikki. The orange cat—renamed Clare as of ten minutes ago—is bouncing off the walls, quite literally. And the gang is spiralling.</p><p>“Poor bird is <em>trembling </em>with what he’s put her through! God, get out while you can, Nikki!” Spike calls.</p><p>“I just, I want her to win the show, I guess? Because she seems nice?” Buffy muses. “But I also don’t want her to have to get engaged to this man.”</p><p>“Classic Catch-22” Xander agrees.</p><p>“Fun fact!" Dawn tells him. "The original plot of that book actually <em>was</em> about <em>The Bachelor</em>, but he had to change it last minute. Total copyright nightmare, you know?"</p><p>“It’s so sad. She’s what, this beautiful pediatric nurse, right? And she’s putting up with all this for <em>this</em> <em>guy</em>? This guy???” Willow grouses.</p><p>“Oh god,” Spike says. “He’s not about to—”  </p><p><em> “I have a ring in my pocket. And I’m not gonna use it.</em>” Juan Pablo tells his not-fiance.</p><p>“Oh my god. Can I kill him? Giles, let me know if I can kill him,” Buffy says.</p><p>“I’ll take it into consideration.”</p><p>*</p><p>The possibly-happy couple is sitting on the After the Final Rose stage, being interviewed by Chris Harrison.</p><p>“<em>So you love her?</em>” the host asks.</p><p><em> “I’m not gonna answer that question to you,</em>” Juan Pablo says, grinning with nothing behind his eyes.</p><p>“Bloody hell!” Giles yowls. “Y-you put this poor woman through this entire humiliating process and you won’t even give her that?”</p><p>“That’s the spirit, Rupert!” Spike cheers, clapping him on the back.</p><p>*</p><p>Andi Dorfman is announced as the next Bachelorette, and the show fades to credits.</p><p>“There’s <em>more</em> of this?” Giles asks.</p><p>“Well, <em>Bachelor in Paradise</em> first,” Spike explains intently. “Starts up in a few months—‘s a new spinoff, so we'll see how that evens out. Then <em>Bachelorette</em>, in late summer. They keep the schedule right packed. You’ll be joining us?”</p><p>“I — I, if I happen to be available. I might, erm. Perhaps.”</p><p>Spike grins. “There might be more for you in this show than you think, actually. The host is part demon. I mean, I always suspected, ‘cause no human being could stomach doing what he does year in, year out. An’ then, when I was at Wolfram and Hart with Peaches, got it confirmed. He’s one of their top clients. They’ve got his soul on lock for another millennium or so, I think.”</p><p>“Chris Harrison’s a <em>demon</em>?” Xander gapes.</p><p>“Been trying to tell you lot! You don’t bloody listen.”</p><p>Buffy rolls her eyes at him and grins.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you're wondering, yes Giles is technically in the body of a 12 year old during this entire story, but I didn't want to confuse people who haven't read the comics. But I encourage you to read it under that light, because I think it makes it all very fun.</p><p>Also, it's Juan Pablo's season because that's when the Buffy S10 comics were coming out, and no that timeline does not line up with their ages from the TV show and no I am not going to make that make sense.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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